Happy belated New Year!
This is the time of year that I usually muster up some inner muscle and write a list of all the things I want to change about myself or my home. I become my own life coach and review my goals (which I usually forget what they were by the end of the year).
Being HONEST here…giving a sneaky peak into my insecurities…
I take this time to admit openly that over the course of my life I have been the queen of good intentions, dreams and inventions. I do some of the things I set out to do, but most of the time I have a head full of dreams and ideas and not much action to all of my intentions. Why is that? (r.h.e.t.o.r.i.c.a.l.) I have closets that are dying to be re-ordered. I forget my grocery lists, forget to put oil in my car, have a purse full of receipts and lipsticks that I forget I have. And the Alpha shame I bear…I don’t exercise (much). At least not to the point of sweat. Not proud of that fact but my glam-girl excuse is this: its just a hair thing. If I didn’t sweat I would exercise. But I do sweat, and then the hair gets nasty and most days (unless it is a day 3 hair day) I would rather enjoy the the bounce of freshly washed hair than I would lapping salty sweat from my brows. If I can work it out to sweat on day 3 hair days then maybe I could do that. I’ll add that to my list. And it seems that at the end of just about every year, I feel a sense of remorse for a whole year of good intentions that led me to a recycling of the resolutions. Lose weight. Stay in touch with extended family. Save money. Spend more time in THE WORD. Read more books with the little man. Work on art projects. And on and on it goes.
This year I started out differently. I joined my own Clean slate club. All of the things in years past that I have internal debts I feel I owe myself and others…and even God, I’m letting them go.
“Ginger I forgive you for falling short of your good intentions and goals. Start fresh,” I tell myself.
I forgive myself.
No more shoudda-coudda-wudda. It is time to do the Queen Elsa and Let it go! To forgive is not to say that I didn’t do anything wrong. I did so many things wrong. I failed and I admit that. But I am not a failure. I’m a free woman who sometimes fails at her own game. I have ultra high standards for myself that I know I will never live up to, and for the first time EVER, I am ok with that. I accept that about myself and release all expectations of myself to God. I am a super forgiving person by God’s grace am even able to forget things that have hurt me. There have been times where people have apologized to me, and I literally FORGOT that they said or did anything that had hurt me. But when it comes to myself, I have a laundry list of wrongs and failures and grudges that I’ve kept hidden deep inside that I pull out from time to time to remind myself “girl you failed.”
But no more. Clean slate means no more shaming, finger pointing or grudges.
1 Corinthians 13:5 says that “love keeps no record of wrongs.”
I have held that in deep regard when it comes to forgiving others, but I could write books of the things I have done wrong. I’m handing those books over to Jesus today and He is burning them for me. No more record of wrongs. No more self-loathing. I never thought of myself as a self-loather. I’ve always had a fairly healthy sense of my identity in Christ and feel accepted by God and others. But God has been spotlighting this “wall of shame” I had deep inside my heart. I’m choosing to be free. And when that little voice comes around to remind me of all that I have not finished or accomplished, I’ll remind myself that I am a work in progress and that God loves me JUST THE WAY I AM. And so do I.
Maybe this New Year you’ve got something you really want to achieve. Goals are awesome (unless they include sweat…not awesome). I love to achieve and do things that I dream in my heart! There are things that were life-long dreams that I have accomplished and feel good about. I’m not suggesting that anyone abandons their dreams or doesn’t set out any goals. But what I am suggesting is that you release yourself from your own wall of shame about things that haven’t gone the way that you’d hoped or planned and let this be a year of being Spirit-led to do all that He wants you to do. Step by step obedience is my goal. Staying in step with God’s voice. This year I want to be more obedient to God than ever before. That is my goal. I’m probably going to need lots of grace. I have other goals too: tackle closets (again). Live on less. and write more blogs. I want to write lots and lots of blogs this year, but more importantly I want to write the ones that GOD burns in me to write, and when He does lead me to write, I will. When He leads me to tell a sad-looking waitress she is beautiful and that He loves her, I will. When He leads me to walk on the treadmill on a day 1 hair day I (gulp) will.
Goodbye bitterness towards self. Goodbye wall of shame. Good bye clean hair.